Saturday, May 24, 2014

Hypocrite

Sometimes I still think you're singing to me
Brass knuckles inching closer to your face
I really love telling you I told you so
Well what did you think was gonna happen sweet girl?
Your ending isn't happy and your mouth is filled with shaking teeth
Spit them out.
Spit them out.
One by one
covered in the strawberries you stole from hungry mouths.
But I haven't learned my lesson either,
people don't take bloated hearts seriously
I'll swoop in again and save you,
even if it means drowning in bruises.
I was supposed to be something by now. I was supposed to be onto bigger and better things by now. I was supposed to have a quirky, and eccentric yet meaningful quote on my cap that inspired others on my heels.
 But no.
Now I am angry.
and Jealous.
and Petty.
Bitter and riddled with disease.
I can't even show my thighs anymore.

Observation on Tuesday, May 13, 2014

A few days ago a man came in with a family member.He was deaf and mute. He had never heard or spoken a single word in his life. He wasn't able to speak sign language well, because I assume they never really taught him. I tried my best to help them with their order and to help the gentleman understand his choices of food and drinks, and then they were on their way. As I was making my rounds and collecting plates and trash, I found him sitting alone in his own little world. He was immersed in the world of Marvel comics. He was staring so longingly at them, and to say I couldn't relate would have been a lie. He was looking at them, they way you would look at something or someone that was so precious to you and is within arm's reach, you're just not allowed to have it or touch it/ them. It seemed like he ached for a world that was more than this bland and bleak reality. One in which a person really could be anything they wanted if they had the means or tried hard enough.
    Sometimes I think this world is a little darker than those of the comic book realm. It's too intense and there is such an influx of information that forces me onto my knees. The trees are swaying and the sun is kind, but everyone I know is so damn sad. "

"This is a filthy, beautiful, goddamn world."

Today a woman came in. She looked frail in body but sturdy and godlike in the eyes. She spoke with a tiny mouselike voice and looked a little paranoid. Everyone does nowadays though. She purchased a book entitled "How to Calm Your Nerves." She had on a hospital bracelet that told me she needed to learn how to do so and quick. Brand new from the looks of it. I finished the transaction and told her the usual pleasantries of retail, but how I wish she would take me with her. How I wish I could have read that book cover to cover with her. I have been trying to change. I have been trying to maintain eye contact and hold conversations. I have been trying to look at my own reflection without retching.
I have been trying to look at myself without anger. To look upon myself with kindness has become one of the hardest things to do in my life. To live in a mundane world which renders my imagination useless and me as a helpless human being is revolting and it hurts.

I try to find the magic in everything
It is fading an alarming pace.
Adulthood is overrated and the world is beautifully bland.
Take heart.