There are those that say that it doesn't bode well to dwell on the past. That doing so is detrimental to one's future because it keeps you stuck in the muck. However, I feel that sometimes it takes a certain sort of nostalgia to put things into perspective, and whether or not it's detrimental to the rest of your life is really up to you. You look back at your mistakes and the lovers you could have had; you look at the paths you've taken, and the troubles you've (thankfully) avoided and it all either soothes you, or sends you into an internal rampage so drawn out that it keeps you up at all hours night.
These are not the first nor the last thoughts to do so with me, but I feel that there is certainly a tipping point at either end of the spectrum, and somehow I have hit both. Because of this, it seems I am now perpetually spinning in and out of restful (and necessary) slumber, and manic/anxious habits that Freud and Jung would have a field day with. I'm racked with sadness, anger and revelations. I am becoming enlightened, but who knows if it's for the better. I see and feel everything in extremity, and lately it's been exhausting.The sun shines too brightly. If being pulled in a million different directions sounds horrible, you should try feeling it sometimes.
I'm starting this blog for me. I'm trying to save myself. I'm trying to fight off whatever demons I have and learn from them in the process of their vanquishing. Everyone seems so fluid. I want to be too. Everyone has their own personal brand of hell, I understand that. Maybe some people handle it better than others is all. But everyone seems so fluid, and I feel like I am stuck. I am a rock amongst others in the stream. Water is running over me, under me, by my sides, sometimes even through me. It moves to bigger and better places. But rocks weigh too much to move anywhere. Anyways, this will be like a small diary filled with my thoughts and writings. I'm trying to publish my poetry finally. I've had a few requests to do so, but my nerves get the better of me and I never get to it. If you'd like, you can join me on this silly little journey of mine. Buckle up, it's been a bumpy ride so far.
I will find peace.
I must find peace.